English Jokes

A: Why are you crying? 
B: The elephant is dead. 
A: Was he your pet? 
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

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A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. - Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” - The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 

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A: “Knock, knock.”
B: “Who’s there?”
A: “Lettuce.”
B: “Lettuce who?
A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.” (“Lettuce in” sounds like “Let us in.”)

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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!