Spouse Why do you wear your specs just when I come in

Spouse - Why do you wear your specs just when I come in.

Spouse - The specialist has requested me to wear my specs at whatever point I get a headache.


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Spouse to her significant other - Wake up. A few criminals have broken into our home. I think they are currently eating the nourishment I made the previous evening. Spouse - Oh! How about we better call the emergency vehicle at that point.

Fun With Monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."

English Jokes

A: Why are you crying? 
B: The elephant is dead. 
A: Was he your pet? 
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

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A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. - Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” - The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 

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A: “Knock, knock.”
B: “Who’s there?”
A: “Lettuce.”
B: “Lettuce who?
A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.” (“Lettuce in” sounds like “Let us in.”)

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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!